:)

yeah so i suck and i never write in this. damnit,

i dont know why i cant just keep record of the fun in my life

but i simply forget. i might as well update sense i cant sleep.

1. working at dELias is quite possibly one of the best things to ever happen to me.

2. my bosses are the SHIT <3>

3. me and britt have been getting along very nicely and driving to work with her is the shitttt.

4. balancing work and partying is a beautiful art im adjusting to very nicely hahah.

5. a MAJORITY of the girls i work with are awesome pretty cool girls.

6. and to top it off we get shit donnneeee!

7. im starting to actualllyyy know a majority of the names hahaha.

8. me and britt are gunna smoke a blunt with laura and tina (co-workers) this week after work.

9. brian todd makes me love him more than i ever thought possible every day. i still cant believe he's real. he's so much god damn fun, we watched all 6 seasons of its always sunny.. just finished the last one after a bowl and a tear yesterday.

10. me and brian got to level 13 on natzi zombies the other night. out highest level is 22 on molly months ago.. must somehow get there again.

so yeahhhh lifes fuckin goooood. i payed miranda back half of what i owe her. and it felt really great to be able to do that. she saved my asssss. :) in 2 weeks i give her the rest and then i get to pay my sister back then in 4 weeks i can not have that feeling looming in my head knowing i owe people money hahah. it's just no bueno. people should get what they have given when its in that case. its like.. broooo i helped you outtttt i neeeed it. and YOU dont have it. IT SUCKS. this job has changed my life for real. i feel so good now, i hated feeling like a grub even when people constantly offered to pay for my food, smoke me up, bum me cigs. its nice though to have people who understand your situation. but when i didnt have a job i felt incomplete. i gave britt 20 for gas and put in and extra ten.. IVE BEEN WANTING to dooo that cause shes driven me half the world and back. it just feels good to give to people who have given to me.

ADD... i think i know why i had insomnia.. when i know i have work the next day i make myself go to sleep cause i dont wanna be drained at allll and i look forward to my day way more. and the days hot and the nights cool. when i know i dont have shit to do till i wake up around 2pm i just stay up cleaning, painting, writing, facebooking, sewing.. just random shit.

so my legs hurt from working tonight, 5 to close went by sooo fast. i did backstolk practically my whole shift. i LOVE BACK-STOCK.

1. because for some reason the back room is a few degrees colderrr then the actual store :)

2. back-stock requires to rip open boxes with a box cutter (which in no other job i've gotten to do.. and for some reason when i do it i feel like a BADASS.) and there's alllll kinds of shirts, jeans, accessories, socks, leggings, jackets, sweaters, purses, t shirts.. you get it.. and you have to sensor them and fold them. then go out on the floor and see what goes where and if you should re-stock the jean wall, shelves or tables. if not you stock the clothes in our HUGE shelves. they move. its sweet.

3. my past three shifts ive worked mostly in the back with britt, cause my boss says she loves how fast we work together in the back :) :) we "bang out boxes nice and fast" hahah.

4. my boss also lets me have my ipod on. i love that it has little speakers. AMEN to the maker of the ipod touch.

5. from doing the same repetitive work for hours on pretty colorful clothes, i daydream while i remain focused on my task. i go into cruise control and just have a fun time in my head.

6. if im not zoning out and daydreaming me and britt are having funny conversations about the oddest shit.

RETAIL is the shit.

its funny, my dad told me in all my food jobs that im too nice, im too happy and it may annoy people. but at delias they encourage that! it sells clothes and overall is natural for me and feels greattt. FUCK working at restaurants of any kind, i refuse to ever work in that stressful bullshit environment ever again. well i have the munchies and i think ill try to sleep. shouldnt be too hard with a high mind, a full tummy, and brushed teeth.

welllll last night and the night before was epic.

slept at brians thursday and we just chilled out at his house for the night

after chillin with britt and maciek. we drank with them last night & it was fun as fuck.

i drank red bull & vodka and two drinks had me happily buzzed, kept drinking and

didnt get sick. and i ate a bangin TV dinner haha. me and britt hula hooped like crazy

and brian and maciek kept playing a retarted basketball game. we even tried to teach our

boyfriends how to hoop for the millionth time and for the millionth time they

both failed. i know they'll get it eventually. they need to get it out of their heads that

hula hooping is humping hahaha. it was a great night, took awesome pictures and finally

went to bed around 4 am. cuddled so comfortably wasted untill i slipped

into such a great sleep. we ended up waking up around 1:45 pm haha. at first

britt suggested we drive down the shore today, but we got news that traffic was

horrendous, so we decided on a blunt hike & swimming in highland lakes.

went to beach 4 after the heated hike and had a glorious few hours in the sun.

britts convertible is seriously the love of my life. weather was perfecttt today :)

after we swam me and britt kept picking up snails out of the water while

brian and maciek played football on the beach. then we went to a&p to pick

up some BBQ supplies and smoked a 2 bowls on the way to macieks.

maciek made banginnn burgers and britt made mac & cheese.

we feasted till we could barely lift our after-dinner ciggarettes to our mouths.

lazed around macieks backyard for a while and then decided we were all tired and

i got dropped back off at my house. ohhh annddd i forgot to mention!! yesterday

i got a call from delias! me AND britt got hired :) this is gunna be so awesome!

working at my favorite store that has just opened up and actually contributing in

the whole setting up of the store! so very stoked.

i've been rez hittin my biz for a bit sense i got home, cleaned up whatever

clothes were laying on my other bed and bullshitted online. brian called to say

goodnight and i decided to shower and do laundry after. had a wonderful

shower and while i was putting a load in the wash my dad told me about how

his wife is going to colombia for 5 weeks and he's gunna be joining her there

in two weeks.. FOR THREE WHOLE GLORIOUS WEEKS.

sarahs in colombia and simon's in florida. so stoked for an open crib

all to myself for the first time. life is seriously so good right now, this

month is seriously the best ive had all year.. just thinking about it makes me shiver in excitement.. tomorrow is the 4th of july and me brian & maciek are sleeping over

britts grandmas house and partying there all day. we have a slip and slide!

WATERGUNS. and margaritas hahaha.

then britts 20th birthday is this weekend, party at macieks house!

then 2 days later its DAVE MATTHEWS BAND with brian, mike, and

danielle :) then training for delias the 19th untill the 21rst!

then the very next day.. seeing fucking MODEST MOUSE.

then macieks parents are going away for a weekend!

then dads gunna be going away and ill be partying at my

house for 3 whole weeks! no offense august.. im sure you'll

be cool too. but you cant fucking top this month. so stoked.

tomorow is gunna be amazing.. britts grandma is an amazing cook :)

and shes a sweetheart.. what combo sure to win anyones heart

haha at least mine :D britt told us today that her gmas making CRAB LEGS

(my favorite sea food i the whollllleee world.) awesome margaritas some other

sweet drinks.. ahh but ill blog all about it tomorrow night or the next.. its already

2:00 am and i gotta be up by 12 tomorrow.. and i love my sleep. i just wish i

could find sleep easier.. right now im still pretty much wide awake.

sometimes my mind drifts where it shouldnt.. like in my head right now

are thoughts that im not too fond of.. even with all i have to look forward to, i cant

help but wonder how and why.. how and why the fuck did so many of my friends

all end up being assholes who dont even like me. who never really cared but

pretended they did.. and they were amazing actors.. one of them even texted me

with a bullshit story about how he's been going through changes and how he's sorry

we've grown apart. sorry i dont believe that when to him im just "so much of a hippie its overdone. and im not happy with myself." like.. fuck off, if you think im fake why

would you even try contacting me saying you hope we chill soon?

or even when we were friends said that to my face and i would have tried

to understand why he was feeling that way about me and explain myself best

as i could. cause im so fucking happy with myself and my life.. its crazy how

that drives others mad.

im so annoyed with peoples games. like.. just be real.

its so much easier to live like that.. and i dont get why so

many people KNOW that.

SAY that about themselves

"im real." but theyre not.

but hey whatever at least i got a lot of fun times and cool free shit

of some friendships as cold and bitchy as that sounds. but i just feel

like it was a huge waste of my time and theirs. it doesnt make

sense to hang out with someone you dont like or cant be honest with

about what you think of them. im just done with even attempting

to understand people like that. lifes just turned a whole new page towards

me, and im gunna enjoy reading it this month and the next. i need to

completely unattach myself from memories of people i used to be close

with. thoughts of them bring me down, not even gunna go into more detail

about how a another certain friend has seemed to turn into another

person.. looks.. acts.. ugh wtf. i remember when we all laughed together

about how fun and easy our friendship was

how honest and easy we were with eachother.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE POINT

OF HAVING THOSE CONVERSATIONS WITH ME?

but ehh there's no point in feeling sad about it.. it just frusterates me.

life goes on of course. there's so many fakes and liars everywhere.. and

i just need to be pacient for more people who get me. i only have a few right

now and not even all of them completely get me.. but at the same time

they bring me hope.. that there are people out there who actaully believe

in peace love and happiness.. and just dont advertise it to make themselves

look happy or however it is they think it looks to be a "hippie" i dont

mind that everyone says that im a hippie.. i mean real hippies arnt bad

people, theyre happy potheads who love art, music, and bright colors, are all around

just nice people and hey.. thats totally me hahaha. so i guess if the glove fits. fuck it.

i need to stop dwelling.. i need to go to fucking sleep. haha. goooood NIGHT.

ticks are a scary thought.

okay so i've decided to keep this new blog as a diary i guess, cause i failed miserably at keeping a handwritten one. my hand gets all tired and i get get my thoughts out as fast haha. so this should be interesting.

today was good, like every other day. i woke up early at first

but then decided to just sleep more cause i didnt have much planned,

i ended up checking my cell phone and seeing i had a voicemail.

it was from delias that i applied to. i hope they hire me :)

i ended up reminding britt that she had her interview today, so

she drove me. gina was my original ride so she ended up coming too.

britt and maciek came over and we smoked a biz & left. the interview

went well, it was a group interview and the two ladies seemed really

nice and i dug their clothes and jewelry a lot.

the whole ride to the mall was fucking awesome, britt's new convertible

is pure sex, the sunshine kissing my skin combined with the breeze.

divine! bound to blow your mind. it felt so good. i want to own one in

the future. its a must have before i die kind of thing.

i wonder what car ill get come november, i need to start practicing

driving soon so i can pass my license test with flying psychedelic colors.

i just hope till then ill find my way down there if i even get hired..

im also hoping britt gets the job too. if it works out word. if not,

keep looking for a job. i feel like i shouldnt let my past bad experiences

with asshole employers make me feel bad anymore. i know im a good worker

and i cant wait to show it to someone who truely appreciates my work.

im gunna call the yoga store i applied to last week tomorrow for sure

and the bakery too. they're closer.

after the interview we ate in the food court. gina shared her chicken lomeign

with me :) she's a sweetheart. it was a relief cause i woke up in time to get ready

for the interview and leave. forgot to eat like a dummy.

this is totally off topic, but i think i have a tick phobia. i think almost

everyday i check myself fearing there's a tick on me. right now im sitting here

and i keep feeling like a little something is crawling up my skin. i check

and nothing is there. just checked again. its annoying. im just so afraid

of another tick violating and raping my fucking skin. i hatteee ticks.

i love hiking and playing in the woods too much though, so avoiding them

is not easy. i hate finding them on my legs or shoes when im outside, my brain

seems to go into panic mode. like a little girl i feel skeeved.

oh jim morrisons poetry just came on my itunes shuffle.. ahh his voice

is so relaxing. this poem is interesting and there's a soft piano melody playing

in the background.

so i also went to see eclipse with my sister and mom near my sisters house.

it was really good but the stupid little girls in the movie theatre pissed

me off.. its like holy shit, you've seen him with his shirt off all over

the fucking world.. EVERYWHERE so why are you gunna clap and shriek

every time he comes onto the god damn screen? girls like them RUINED

the whole idea of twilight. the delusional fantasies make me wanna puke face.

theyre attractive. we fucking get it. it was good despite the retarded claps

and gay cheers every time edward and bella kissed. my mom drove me home

and i showed her a lot of modest mouse songs :) she liked it. and i sang her all

my favorite lyrics. it was a good night overall. i didnt see brian today, its nice to

miss him sometimes. i see him practically everyday and when i dont i get this cute

gay feeling like i miss him but its not a sad missing or a weird missing. like right

now im so stoked to see his face tomarrow :) i wanna cuddle with him more

than anything right now. feel his laugh kissing my body. collapse completely in

his arms. considering my room isn't like the sierra desert for once in this past week..

its perfect cuddling temperature. it's funny, every weekend that i sleep at his house

unless we're drinking i end up getting tired earlier then normal. when im alone

i stay up till 4, 5, or 6 sometimes up to 8 am. i love how my body asks me for sleep

when im gunna be sharing a twin bed with him.

sometimes its gets a little uncomfortable but at the same time.. its so

worth it to be sleeping so close to him, we always make an effort to cuddle

ourselves to sleep, but we have an agreement that we are only human and like our

space sometimes when we sleep haha. im so glad he gets that. some past boyfriends

would take offense that i wouldnt always wanna cuddle till i sleep. thats just another

reason he's the best. i like when me and brian get drunk and fall asleep all over eachother.

the way he drunkly swings his legs on me in the mornin when hes in a deep sleep.. even

when he pushes me in his sleep over into the crack haha i find humor in it and hit him

and kiss him. i love how i always sleep on the inside of the bed.. its my sleeping place..

how its the only way we can sleep perfectly in that little green bed of love :)

oh man, waking up to him kissing me, or when our eyes open up at the same time

softly, not even all the way open.. and the sun shines slightly through his blinds onto

his pale skin and tossed brown hair. his eyes always look especially blue in the morning..

and our faces are usually so close his long eyelashes look so lovely..

mmm now that i think of it in more detail.. i love mornings with him,

he always wakes up a bit and its easier to cuddle back to sleep cause we're

so out of it to begin with hahaha. its so comfy, he usually ends up spooning me.

we both sleep without a shirt on so its always warm skin to skin contact.

thats my one of my top favorite feelings. i especially enjoy when i wake up

for a moment and before going back to sleep.. i always glance at him sleeping,

like a creep :) i admire his soft but striking features, his gorgeous calm face..

oh man i just made myself miss him more. oh well its already thursday :)

so tomorrow night and the next morning i get all im wanting right now..

all im thinking of happily right now. im liking this journal thing so far..

ive never written about mornings with brian.. and that just makes me realize

how much happier i am.. how ive never ever ever had that with anyone.

how ive come close to it with some.. how ive loved truely 3 other guys in my life..

but none of them.. even come close.. not even when they were treating me right

and i was happy with them.. it doesnt compare to brian. i love knowing that.

he makes me feel sane. he gets me. he understands every frustrating feeling i get,

every happy feeling i get. he mirrors my perspective and i hope he continues to.

its been almost 4 beautiful months and the only thing that would make things better

than they already are is me having a job. i wanna take him out, surprise him with

things. i cant wait to do that for the people in my life that i love.. another reason i hope

for a job every single day. but despite that im liking where im going :) ive never been

so in love with someone physically and emotionally.. i know it sounds silly but i really

think he's the most beautiful man ive ever seen. just everything about his face and

body is flawless.. how his eyebrows rest contently above his blue eyes.. his jawline that for some reason makes him more attractive then most, his slight sprinkle of freckles on his

not-too-big-not-too-small nose. he even looks good with stubble on his face. but i enjoy

it most when hes clean shaved. his smile, just makes me melt underneath its warmth.

straight perfect teeth :D like mine haha. besides all that.. his spirit fills my life

with the most beautiful light.. when in the past i didnt see how dull the light was

that past loves have hoisted.

i always try to be logical.. i dont want to say cliche things like hes everything

ive ever wanted and more.. but he just is. down to every last detail. no one has

ever known me the way he does.. its such a crazy feeling.

man im ranting :) but no ones gunna read this but me. i dont know why

anyone else would read this up to this point. i like knowing that i can look

back on this post months and years later. and know how i felt today and what

i did.. who i love. just everything. holy shit its

already 3:06! i still cant shake the creeped out feeling that a tick is on me.

i know its pretty impossible.. i wasnt even in the woods today.. but i think im

gunna take a shower now i need to make sure hahahah. and then try to sleep to

wake up at a reasonable hour to get ready & get paid by dollar tree for the one

fucking day i worked :/ assholes. its alright on ice, alright. goodnight.